Who’s on First But Why’s at Home [Day 2]

It’s Major League Baseball playoff season in the United States. This means my dad is anchored to his red leather lounge chair; computer in one hand, television remote in the other. Donned from head to toe in orange and black (go O’s) he anxiously awaits the first pitch. Sinking deeper into the supple leather  that cradles his despair as he watches his beloved team lose to the Yankees. Again.

My dad knew, long ago, why he woke up in the morning. Baseball. Specifically, American League baseball. More specifically, the Baltimore Orioles. To him, freedom is beating the Yankees, but it’s also walking barefoot in the garden picking flowers for my mom. To him, freedom is retirement from a long and fruitful teaching career. That’s why he gets up every day: to enjoy the life he’s built.

So why do I get up every morning? What motivates me to open the comforting chrysalis of my bed and stretch my wings? It’s hard to pinpoint. Some days, it’s the anticipation of a new adventure: new people, new places, new experiences. Other days, it’s knowing that I don’t have to leave the house: yoga, tv, coffee on the big, red, comfy couch. Simply being home is freedom to me.  Whether home is baseball or flowers. Yoga mat or airplane seat.  Sliding into home means that I am free to be my authentic self. And it feels pretty great to leave Who, What, and I Don’t Know in the dust.

This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 2

Saudade, Day 1

“I love you,” he said as he took my face into his hands and kissed me. He looked at me in the way that transforms the rational world into one of fantasy. I was loved, cherished, wanted, and needed.

Abandomnent comes in many forms, shapes, and sizes. My abandonment came in the form of a gorgeous 32 year old man with chocolate brown eyes, a strong jaw line, and eyelashes for days. He had broad shoulders, the kind that make you feel small and safe, and a full head of black hair. Abandonment was beautiful and strong, and he was mine. We fell deeply in love.  Crashing into it, letting the euphoria wash over us.

“What’s holding you back from finding love again?” My friends and family ask. “What’s blurrimg your focus?”

I no longer feel the sting of abandonment as immediately as I did the day he didn’t come back, but he’s still here. Lurking in the deep caverns of my heart, waiting. Buzzing in and out of my awareness, ready to swarm at anyone who dare disturb the fragile balance of the hive.

I want to be free of this fear; the startling notion that if I get too close, I’ll be left behind. Forgotten. Tossed aside for something better. It’s this fear, above all others, that creates obstacles in my life and prevents me from opening up and leading the life I’m meant to lead.

The Portuguise have a word for this sensation, Saudade. It means”an intimate feeling and mood caused by the longing for something absent that is being missed.” [The Dictionary from the Royal Galician Academy]  I find myself fading into routine and feeling saudade for the life I want to live.

This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1

Seek the Encounter

This weekend I was lucky enough to participate in a three-day intensive improv workshop with the insurmountably talented Rob Adler. As part of the exercise, he asked us to encapsulate our experience into words. “Reflect on the experience, ” he said.  “Hold onto it by sharing it.” As much as I want to bask in the glow of the work we did as an ensemble and keep the work to myself, Rob is right. I have to open the box and let it out, it is the only way to hold onto it.

Seek the Encounter

What is the where?

the soft give of the laminate floor closing the space between our feet and it

squeaks of barefoot toes softly padding toward old friends

and new

sense the space around us, dense, pliable, malleable

porous streams of people weaving themselves into my space

then out

then in again, but this time

they stop

take a collective breath

and see me.

Seek the encounter.

where the

dull hum of florescent lights cast tungsten tones onto dirty, beige walls

see the color: orange, now yellow, now red, now green, now black

now orange again

one at a time we move through space, between us and feel

blind faith leading us away from our limitations

embrace the fear, the sting of unknown, heightened senses

see with your ears

then stop

take a collective breath

and hear me.

Seek the encounter.

where the

palpable beats of our hearts, rhythmic and tribal move us as one organism

driven by the collective experience

we mirror

follow no leader, just see, and hear, and feel, and move

toward one another, morphing, changing, transforming

again and again and again until you are me and I am you and we are we

hand in hand we sprint toward the unknown

then stop

take a collective breath

and become

one.

Home: A Story in Three Acts

A few weeks ago, I was asked to perform a piece of writing in front of people. It was scary and exciting.  I expected a few people, maybe 10, in a coffee shop who may or may not be interested in hearing my story. Instead, there were 150 people crammed into a small bar in mid-town Tokyo listening intently as I shared my writing.

I was slotted the second to last spot on a Sunday night and as the night wore on I worried more and more that the people in the audience would grow tired and leave. Actually, I secretly hoped they would. They stayed. When it was my turn, I pretended to be confident and took the stage, sounds of Alice in Chains’ epic ballad “Don`t Follow” pounding in my head. Breathed in. Breathed out. And shared my story:

Home, A story in 3 Acts

Act 1: The Fuckin’ Yankees

Slam! The screen door shuttered on it’s hinges. Causing the whole house to shake. Shocked by the tremor, my attention swiftly shifted from the Charles in Charge reruns I was watching to 

to the screen door. 

“The fuckin’ Yankees won again!” Dad announced. He’d just been outside, cleansing his chi. His doctor told him that he needed to walk barefoot in the garden to reduce his hypertension. He does this. Every summer  evening. He carries with him, his one companion: A rusty old transistor radio. The one his father gave him after the war. Sounds of crackly a.m. radio baseball sneak out of Dad’s pocket as he enters the kitchen.

“I swear on my father’s grave, the Orioles’ ONE goal in life is to lose to the fuckin’ Yankees!”

“Hmmm” says my mother, calmly snapping peas at the kitchen sink. 40 years of marriage has taught her to react subtly when he is being irrational. Especially when it’s about sports. Especially, especially when those sports are the Baltimore Orioles.

“What happened this time?” She asked

“Derek Jeter, That`s what happened. They can’t seem to stop Derek “f-in” Jeter. ”

“Well, Maybe They will stop `em tomorrow.” I offered, one eye still on Charles. 

Next to me my younger brother, Kevin, was too busy playing with his new guitar to care about the scuffle in the kitchen. 

“One can dream,” Mom said turning her attention back to the peas.

This was our routine, my parents me. Dad would complain loudly about New York sporting teams and mom would hum show tunes to drown out the din. Kevin played guitar while I contemplated the latest episode of Growing Pains. That kitchen, with its mustard yellow walls and cherrywood cabinets is where we became a home and where I learned what it meant to be home. It is where I learned to love, negotiate, laugh, cry, and listen.

I grew up in sunny Colorado, riding bikes, climbing trees, building snowmen with my little brother, sprinting up mountains as fast as my legs could carry me. Its where I kissed the neighbor boy for the very first time and fell in love on my front lawn.

Summer days spent skipping stones into glassy mountain streams and evenings in dusty old theaters learning everything from Shakespeare to Rogers and Hammerstein. 

Its where I learned how NOT to be a successful college student, and how to lie to my parents about being kicked out. Colorado is where I learned the word integrity the hard way, and that failures are stepping stones to success and not life ruining events. It’s where I learned that home is where they have to take you in no matter what. Because like The Rocky mountains, silent and majestic, home is a place for new beginnings and fresh starts. 

Act 2: What`s that smell?

Sniff!

“Woah. What the hell is that?” I asked as I stepped off the plane into the dense heat soaked Bombay summer.

“Nothing mad`am. Burning trash only.” he said with a dismissive wiggle of his head. 

“Oh.” I replied. But I wasn’t convinced. I’d never smelled anything like it before. It smelled like steamy old rotten bananas mixed with the sour blood of a freshly slaughtered goat. 

Heinous.

India is like that; It’s an assault to the senses. We made our way through the busy airport and after only 2.5 hours of waiting for luggage we were finally set free into the steaming buzzing streets of Mumbai.

He turned, looked at me, and with arms wide open he breathed, “Welcome home mad`am.”

“Thank you, Suraj.” I canted.

It hit me then.

This is home?  Where the pollution-soaked-sun casts long shadows of overstuffed rickshaws busily buzzing people and sugarcane and cows?

Where Ravens the size of small children incessantly chatter and debate about who gets the last morsel of decapitated rat? 

And where limbless people writhe and spill onto dirty dusty roads fighting street dogs for discarded bits of chicken biryani?

“This can’t be home.” I thought. “I won`t survive here.”

And I almost didn`t.

One year and three months into India, I was diagnosed with Typhoid fever. Like American Civil War typhoid Mary contamination thousands of people typhoid fever. I’d managed to contract the disease even though I’d had the vaccination. My doctor, Dr. Ajit Sadi, “it’s like this Andrea. A vaccine is like a small umbrella in monsoon. You’ll still be getting wet, but you won’t get as wet.”

“Oh. Great.”

The hospital became my home that week. The nurses my sisters, the doctors my parents. It wasn’t so bad. There were catered meals and   wifi. But I was glad when it was time to unhook the iv be discharged back my real life into my real home. Unfortunately, three weeks later, I stumbled into the hospital again. This time it was encephalitis. The scary kind. The kind that kills people.

“Welcome home, Andrea! We cannot keep you away!”

I would’ve smiled, but it hurt to move.

“Come. We’ve two new nurses just learning how to insert IV’s. They are very excited to meet you.”

“Perfect! You know how much I enjoy needles. This should be fun.” I said, mustering as much sarcasm as I could through the encephalitic fog. 

“What a good attitude you’ve got Andrea. India has kept well,”

And he was right. Despite two deadly illnesses and countless rounds of antibiotics India was keeping me well, because it’s there that I  learned how to build a home. How to create my own family. I molded important relationships with the shoe guy and the ice guy and the knife walla, the coconut lady, and the fruit guy, and the little kid who sold gum and old Bollywood playing cards. I grew attached the giant fruit bat family that lived in a tree by my window and the fleet of stray dogs who stood guard every night.

India is where I learned to embrace heat, and noise, and how to celebrate multiple deities, seemingly every weekend singning, “Om Gan Gana pata ye Namo Namah…shri sidd tviyak namo namaha ashta vinaiyak namo nahama ganpatti bapa morya…” It is where I learned to steer myself around noisy firecrackers, and goats, cows, dogs, burning piles of garbage, people, people, shit,more people, chickens, crows, more shit, bats, palm trees, discarded bits of goat, elaborate wedding processions, and even the occasional elephant.

The heart pounding deafening drum beats that echo down the dusty cobblestone lanes became my pulse. India was my heart. It’s where I learned how to really, truly, love being surrounded by the best of humanity.

And worst of humanity.

Because India, that is where I learned the truth about corruption. And blatant bigotry. And racism. And rage.

So much rage.

My home was becoming hostile and turning me into a person I didn’t recognize. One who became irrationally upset with tiny-insignificant things. So irrational that when doors were slammed, they rattled the whole house. I knew that as much as I loved India, and as much as I wanted our relationship to work, we weren`t healthy together. So with a heavy heart I broke up with home sought younger, fresher pastures.

Act 3: Silent Sardines

“Do you hear that?” he whispered

“What? I don’t hear anything,” she replied. 

“That. There. Listen.” He said, tilting his head toward a distant sound. 

They let the silence sit between them for a while before she reached over to him.

“I miss India.” she said.

“I know you do. But this is home now. You’ll get used to it.”

“When?”

“When you wake up.”

“What?”

“When you wake up.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I mean, when you wake up from dream you are in, you will get used to Tokyo. You will adjust to the silence. You will learn to embrace the cold compartmentalized disinterested public and you will see that it is respect for your space and not you being snubbed.

You will learn to love clean air, blue skies and pouty pink blossoms in spring. You will learn to love balls of rice and seaweed and riding your bike on vacant streets in below freezing weather. The rocking hum of tightly packed tin trains carting silent sardines downstream will start to feel safe. Like a communal hug. Silent swarms of silverly salary men and new moms with tiny button babies that rock and sway in the ebb and flow of the foot traffic, will carry you with them if you let them.

Listen.

Home calls to you when you hear the train conductor whisper, “Kichijoji, Kichijoji desu.” When you wake up and realize that you made this move on purpose. That just because you shifted locations doesn’t mean you shifted homes. Open your eyes and look around and you will find that home has been here all along. It’s in the song of the mountains and the laughter of school children being called inside with the sweet tune of home. It’s the trees you climb in Nogawa park and the Indian wool blanket you wrap up in at night. It’s in the 4:30 am sun rise and the dense heat of Tokyo Augusts. Home is the crack of the baseball bat when the pitcher for the Swallows gives up another base hit. It’s what you carried here from Colorado, and India.

It’s here.

Home is what you bring with you, and home is what you learn.

So wake up!

Stop fighting, and see it.

It’s waiting for you.

And those tremors you feel, those are probably just the fucking yankees.”

I finished reading. Swallowed back tears. Bolted from the stage directly to the bar where a cold gin and tonic was waiting for me. I didn’t hear the applause or see the partial standing ovation. People had to tell me about that later. I am glad I did it. Felt good to share a part of me with strangers, to get good feedback. The writing isn’t as polished as I want it to be, but I guess that is the nature of writing. It is cyclical. I will come back around to this piece, and when I do, I will find home waiting for me.

This is me reading. Photo credit, Sam Hubble.
This is me reading. Photo credit, Sam Hubble.